I've been losing my temper a lot more than usual lately and it scares me. I've always prided myself on being the one with patience. But that's not really what it is. Mostly I respond to situations I have trouble managing by getting depressed. I resign myself to unhappiness and just give up. I call that "patience."
Recently I've been playing drums after 25 years of not. I've been writing every morning. I've been riding my road bike. And I've been hanging out with friends in the neighborhood.
As I dare to enjoy life the things that I perceive as interfering make me angry. I don't want to go back to resignation. Daring to have joy risks my temper.
Now the kids are getting older and they fight with me and each other more vehemently and while I have figured out how to deal with one, by staying calm until they are calm, dealing with three misbehaving young at once... I just don't know how. And they can make me so mad, particularly my boy, that I almost shake.
So the other day I took the kids to my brothers. We hung out with his kids, built a fire, made smores and had a good time. When we were done we were all tired and by the time I got into the car they were literaly slugging each other and screaming. I told them to stop. They were yelling at me, each other and blaming everyone. Who was right? No one, including me.
I stopped the car in my brother's driveway and yelled at the top of my lungs, "I don't want to hear another fucking word from anyone for the rest of the ride, ungrateful shits!"
It worked. The only thing I've tried to date that did. I couldn't tell if anyone besides me was crying. But the next day I overheard my eight year old boy telling his sister to be careful or "dad will call us ungrateful s-words again."